Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I used the label maker
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
men are simple creatures
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]