Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.