Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout