Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

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I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.


[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille


someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really


‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.


I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.