@JermHimselfish: Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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@Dr_awfulpants: [at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* 'Your balance is: awful'
@merewillis: My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, "Look, I got you some flowers." So I put them in a vase of water. #LastLaugh
@kwirkyKerri: My neighbor thinks I'm generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David