Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off