Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
😼🖥️
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*