Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no