Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
this is 10/10 content no notes
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up