Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Happy Star Wars day!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Man these end times are taking forever