Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]


Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no


[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]


uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is


Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect


me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
sales clerk: can i help you?
me: how much for this disco poncho?


yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government


My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.


My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.