@Parentpains

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

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@PhilJamesson

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

@katya_411

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

@68Cly29

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

@sonictyrant

me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
sales clerk: can i help you?
me: how much for this disco poncho?

@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

@sweetmomissa

My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.

@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.