Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something