Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
