Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.