Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

thoughts?

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.