“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.