“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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every. time.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Note to self: always read the final line
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?