Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together