Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.