Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I’ve had relationships like this
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.