Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

marvel comics have peaked

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce