Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar