Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.