Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

we all know this pain all too well

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

thank god the sign was there