Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”