Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.