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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.