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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook