“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
all that yoga finally paid off
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
sensitive skin
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
They’re called werewolves.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*