Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

🙋‍♀️