Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

relationship goals

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this