Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened