Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Waiting for the Charmin

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.