Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

My dog learned how to text

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”