Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.