Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.