Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”