Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor