Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

same energy

Happy Thanksgiving

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people