Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.