Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain