Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
i- i did not expect this
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.