Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Ha.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah