Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.