Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?