Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Note to self: I am a note

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.