Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!