Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
You Might Also Like
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards