Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

me doing my best

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Hmmmmm

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.