Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

I feel it

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no