Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.