Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
