Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???