welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.