welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Meow
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Heroic Misunderstanding
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.