“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃