“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.