Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Monday

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.