“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”