“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.