Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️