Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
How is it still this week?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The most accurate map ever devised.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
me working on my assignments ^-^
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.