Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
hmmmmmm
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.