Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

u spoke cat all this time??????

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

😭😭

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

It will always be this

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.