Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
stop
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
buying dead houseplants to save time