Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie