Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
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insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound