Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rare photo of two submarines racing

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

the worm is coming from inside the brain

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking