“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.