Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?