Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I beg your pardon?

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!