Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
2022: I can fix it
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.