Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You Might Also Like
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video