Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Life is a suicide mission.